Friday, January 29, 2010


Looking for all the different egos in me to get to the ME, the real ME.

-Tina the seductor
-Tina the shy
-Tina the agressive
-Tina the passive
-Tina the pity-me
-Tina the strong
-Tina the feminist
-Tina the generous
-Tina the cold
-Tina the unsecure
-Tina the philosopher
-Tina the cynical
-Tina that hugs trees
-Tina that manipulates
-Tina the "warrior when unfairness arises"
-Tina the practical
-Tina the sweet
-Tina that expects
-Tina that feels is important and needs attention
-Tina the "life is beautiful"
-Tina that knows what she wants and wants it now
-Tina the spiritual
-Tina the joker
-Tina the anxious and fearful
-Tina the undiplomatic
-Tina that encourages
-Tina the hater
-Tina the lover
-Tina the creative
-Tina the destructive
-Tina the compulsive
-Tina the bargain finder
-Tina the nerd
-Tina the cool
-Tina the stubborn
-Tina the understanding
-Tina the forgiving
-Tina the exhibitionist
-Tina the prude
-Tina the passionate
-Tina the artist

Its weird its as if I dont know all these personalities put like this separately but put all together they would be me. And yet, they are not. I'm looking for me further past this mess.

If we are all united then we are what we criticize in others as much as everything we love in others. What we do to help ourselves will inevitably help others.
If we are one, then we shouldnt seek for a healing outside but rather inside, which will indeniably heal others.

Who am I?

I'll be back.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Still here

I have not forgotten about the blog, although the holidays kind of took over my routine. I am currently looking at my patterns, beliefs and programs. It is a long process, and lots of introspection, but I will be back with more details about this.

If I can get to my objective, I'd like to destroy them all!!! I will. Little by little. :)

Sometimes I wish I had a master to help me, but then a master will only teach you to know yourself, after that you're on your own..

Friday, December 18, 2009

Building myself and destroying my self-made self!

Its quite interesting, it took me I dont know how many years to BUILD myself UP, to realize today, its all bullshit. I buil up a npretty nice illusion. And now I have to de-construct. Obviously, I am not even saying that with any bitterness, its more like I am amazed, that what I thaught I was building was me, and that now, I realize its all a wonderful image, but to get anywhere close to a higher state of consciousness,, all you need is silence, joy and your essence. At least thats how I understand it today. If you are in contact with your essence, you are in contact with the universal essence as well, you are in contact with creation, and creation IS, simply, but it really is wonderful. And we each have it in each one of us, we are simply not taught on how to get to it. We pile up crap, (guilt, fear,etc)and then, well then undo it all.

I definitely see that I would not even have come to this realization without having gone through everything I did in my life, and for that I am grateful. The only thing we ever are guilty of, is repeating the same mistake. So, learn!

I am learning,and the more I let go of the crap i've build on top of my self, the more I love myself, and the more I love everyone around me, especially Cuauhtli that I am sharing my life with.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

MAke up

So I am mainly influenced these days by Osho and Alexandro Jodorwsky. I find them complementary! Jodorwsky explains that by changing our habits, we let go of ourselves, our egos bit by bit.

I am exploring this, and at the moment I am not wearing any make-up for, I dont know, I guess the amout of time it will take me to be comfortable with myself withou make-up. I do not wear a lot of make-up - eyeliner, concealer, blush and mascara- but I am hooked. It definitely enhances beauty, and I feel quite naked without it. I have come to a point, where I do not like what I look like as much without make up.

Now, instead of it, I start my morning with 10 sun salutations- end eventually do 1 hr of active meditation.

I also have stopped smoking cigarettes for a month now, and pot for a few days only, but I am not touching it again.

Best and most difficult of all, I have not drank one cup of COFFEE in 3 days, since I started my active meditation. I am not saying I never want to drink coffee again ( I have stopped in the past for a period of 2 months), I simply want to get rid of dependencies. I do not want to wake up and the first thaught in my head is "COFFEE!!!"

I feel a little lost without my habits, but yet my inside is very happy...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Dynamic meditation

I am exploring the world of meditation....

Working from home, I have found I can spend many hours sewing and simply thinking and thinking and thinking while sewing, to a point where its unbearable, to a point where I annoy myself and try and turn it off (my thaughts) but simply cant.

I stumbled across an Osho explanation on youtube, about meditation and more specifically meditation for "modern" people. He explains, that the sitting meditation is very dificult for most, as they are filled up with garbage, and that its way too overwhelming.

"Modern man is a very new phenomenon. No traditional method can be used exactly as it exists because modern man never existed before. So, in a way, all traditional methods have become irrelevant.

For example, the body has changed so much. It is so drugged that no traditional method can be helpful. The whole atmosphere is artificial now: the air, the water, society, living conditions. Nothing is natural. You are born in artificiality; you develop in it. So traditional methods will prove harmful today. They will have to be changed according to the modern situation.

Another thing: the quality of the mind has basically changed. In Patanjali's [the most famous commentator on Yoga] days, the center of the human personality was not the brain; it was the heart. Before that, it was not even the heart. It was still lower, near the navel. The center has gone even further from the navel. Now, the center is the brain. That is why teachings like those of Krishnamurti have appeal. No method is needed, no technique is needed – only understanding. But if it is just a verbal understanding, just intellectual, nothing changes, nothing is transformed. It again becomes an accumulation of knowledge." ...

(to read the rest

It made sense to me, so I decided to ask his book and CD for my 30th birth day from my mom.

I jumped directly to the dynamic meditation part, and started. Its a 5 step process. I started with the heavy and rapid exhaling (step1), continued with whatever movement my body wanted to make (more like an explosion), shouting, singing etc. (step2), started with step 3 which requires you to jump and say hoo when I had the neighbour bang....arghhhhhh. I slowed down, went to the 3d step which is to freeze, and couldnt finish it as my concentration (or lack of it?) was interrupted.

Instead of getting mad, I simply put it on the last step, which would technically be dancing in gratefullness, and layed down on the ground and enjoyed the new sensation I had flowing in my body. I then went to bed, curled up in a foetus position, and stayed there for 1/2 hr. Nothing mattered.

I have to say that step 2 was quite powerful for me, as I was screaming (without sound but nonetheless screaming), crying and letting an explosion of emotions out. "The Hoo mantra is a Sufi sound, and its a sound that goes to the sex center. The sex center can be hit in 2 ways. The 1st is naturally. Whenever you are attracted to a member of he opposite sex, the sex center is hit from without. Hoo will hit the same sex center of energy, but from within, so the energy starts to flow within (as opposed to outward if it is from without, towards the person that you are attracted to)-interestingly enough, I was wet at the end of this step, having turned myself on?, without wanting anything more-. This inner flow of energy changes you completely. You become transformed: YOU GIVE BIRTH TO YOURSELF... We are trying to get the energy to move upward, which would also be known as kundalini. " (Osho meditation book)

The first 3 steps are ment to be a preparation to the "meditaion" part.

"If you do my method of Dynamic Meditation vigorously, unsystematically, chaotically, your center moves to the heart. Then there is a catharsis.

A catharsis is needed because your heart is so suppressed, due to your brain. Your brain has taken over so much of your being that it dominates you. There is no place for the heart, so the longings of the heart are suppressed. You have never laughed heartily, never lived heartily, never done anything heartily. The brain always comes in to systematize, to make things mathematical, and the heart is suppressed. So firstly, a chaotic method is needed to push the center of consciousness from the brain toward the heart.

Then catharsis is needed to unburden the heart, to throw off suppressions, to make the heart open. If the heart becomes light and unburdened, then the center of consciousness is pushed still lower; it comes to the navel. The navel is the source of vitality, the seed source from which everything else comes: the body and the mind and everything."

Here I am

I have recently healed my moon of welcoming. The moon of welcming is the first moon int he Medecine wheel, and it basically represents the first year you are born. There is 12 Moons, and we repeat those 12 years over and over in our life, it is our pattern. So hese first 12 years are were we get wounded in one or another Moon.

This moon was broken for me, as my mother had me quite young (18) and the main reason for it was to get away from an abusive father, to throw herself inevitably in another abusive relationship. as she was never shown love or how to love, she applied what she knew to me.

My mother called me on my birthday at 15:15, which is the exact time of my birth. When I hung up with her I had tears in my eyes not even knowing why. I thaught about it for a moment, and then realized that her phone call was the best present she ever couldve given me!!! Its almost like she went back to that first year of mine, and switched around, by acknowledging my birth, and doing it with the most welcoming intention ever (conscious or not).

It put a smile in my heart. I can let go now of that feeling of being a "mistake".